she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
