My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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