It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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