if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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