You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
