Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
