I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
