The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
It's like God shit irony all over that family
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
