I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
