girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
