No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
