ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
