Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
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