woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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