i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i would one night stand the shit outta him
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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