I can text with my tongue
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Is it penis luge time yet?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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