I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
It's no shave November. This is our time.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
