i was born a porn star she said
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
He has the fingertips of a God
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