I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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