Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
