"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
