Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
