The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
