I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
it's not cheating when I paid for it
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
