i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
