there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
