i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
