I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
