so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
