I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
This is classic penis vs brain.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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