I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
