I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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