He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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