i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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