whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
