I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
