I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
My ATM looks so different sober.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
