I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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