this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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