all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
