ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
