I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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