I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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