Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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