Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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