Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
