Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
