Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
