Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
