I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
