did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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