I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
