The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
