Your face is a jimmy john
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
