Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i just made my gag reflex go away.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
