Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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