when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
